If I had a dime for every time I heard “you don’t look sick,” over the years, I probably wouldn’t have to work anymore. Mixed-Connective Tissue Disease (MCTD) is an autoimmune disease in which the body’s defense system attacks itself. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t have just one disease on the list of autoimmune conditions, I have several. MCTD is referred to as an overlap disease because the signs and symptoms are a combination of disorders, Lupus, scleroderma, and polymyositis. People with MCTD commonly have a combination of various autoimmune conditions.

During Christmas in 1994, I tried to get out of bed and couldn’t move. I was stiff as a board and every bone in my body hurt. I was completely fine on Christmas Eve and was enjoying the festivities when out of nowhere I had joint pain, fatigue, malaise, a cold bluish discoloration of my toes and fingers. This rendered me helpless and riddled me with excruciating pain. My body was under attack and I was not equipped at that time to deal with the war that was raging inside of me. I was in law school at the time, and could not afford to be sick. Therefore, my journey of going from doctor to doctor on a quest for a diagnosis began. I had a positive ANA, but no one could tell me what was wrong for several years. I was officially diagnosed in 1998.

There were times I wanted the ground to open and swallow me up. The pain was unlike any pain I had felt. On a scale of 1-10, my pain level was 15. Medications in the form of narcotics, steroids, chemotherapy, and biologics were my only options, so that I could have a quality of life. It became apparent to me that the doctors and I had a difference of opinion on the definition of a quality life. The list of medications that I had to undertake was mind-boggling. I take over 20 different medications. Some daily, some weekly, and some every six months. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the weekly chemo, Methotrexate, which is partially responsible for the loss of all my hair. That’s what 15 years of ingesting this medication can do. I’ve been told I have a nicely shaped head, thank God!

I can share the many times I have had the feeling of guilt knowing I can’t actively participate in my family's activities. This condition didn't only affect me, but also my loved ones - they didn’t sign up for this. I could share about the times when I've been bedridden crying because the pain is so intense. I pray for God to take me at that very moment. I could tell you about how much time I spend dreaming about the powerful attorney I was going to be - a force to be reckoned with. I’m grateful to God that I was able to obtain my law degree, work for some firms, and have my own firm.

After going through several hospital admissions, surgeries, IV biologics, IV nutrients, pills, injections, and so much more, people look at me and say, “ I thought you were sick, you look great.” I reply, "It’s only because of God’s grace and mercy that I don’t look like what I feel like." God has a plan for my life and so I continue to push forward.

If I had to impart some advice to those who are battling an illness, it is to learn to speak healing, joy, and happiness into your life. On those challenging days when you are asked how you are feeling, respond with a positive attitude. This response will help you conquer your obstacles and turn your attitude around. You will have good days and great days. When life gives you lemons, take out the seeds, and plant them so that you can grow your own lemons. This way, not only can you make lemonade, you can make pie, sell some lemons, and get paid. My point is don’t let your illness stop you from fulfilling your dreams. Trust God, be creative, and draw from His strength. You are not the disease that ravages your body and creates challenges out of menial, daily tasks. You are a strong individual who must mentally, physically, and spiritually choose joy, peace, happiness, and love on a daily basis in order to enjoy the quality of life that you want. MCTD is not me, it’s just a reminder of how beautifully flawed I am. It allows me to accept the beautiful flaws in those around me.