I've laced up more times than I can count. I've laced up with friends, neighbors, children, and training teams. I've laced up in Virginia, California, and Oregon. I've laced up for two decades and at least two sizes smaller. I've laced up for fun runs, charity runs, trail runs, mud runs, marathons, and triathlons. I've laced up to celebrate, socalize, and to avoid. And then, I stopped lacing up.
I remember getting ready for a training run with a faster friend & found myself pacing in my living room, eventually throwing up. Must be the stomach bug. Throwing up at the start of the Monument 10K. Maybe I'm pregnant? Next person to dive in for the swim start and literally my world goes black. Hmm. I'm still not catching on that all these little incidents are related. I just decide to "take a break from racing". Not a big deal.
Except, you know where this is going. I was then the person on the plane passed out and the airline stewardess is saying "is there a doctor on board". Dehydrated probably. Sweaty knuckles, lump in throat, and going 25 mph while driving over the Bay Bridge. It is a big bridge. And the list goes on.
I don't really remember when I finally started to put two and two together. I have anxiety and all of these hiccups were my mind & body saying "slow down or I'll slow down for you." This is where all the pieces of the puzzle start to fit together ....I also have depression. Not the depression where I stay in bed and hibernate (although, I can do that too) but the depression where I add 5,800 things to my plate. I do and be everything so that I don't have to really stop and process what is going on. I always justified my depression was because of a slew of unfortunate life events. Yes, they were events that stopped me in my tracks, but I never emotionally dealt with them. I just pushed on - did more - ran more . Do this for 10 years and eventually my body said "okay, let's try to get her attention this way."
Meanwhile, my girls are getting older and becoming more aware. I slowly began to realize that I get one shot at being their mom and this isn't the mom that I want them to have. So yes, my deep dive started because of them but has continued because of me. I go to counseling, take medicine, have a library of self help books, and subscribe to all the podcasts. I also still over-commit myself, "heal" myself with wine, and talk to myself in the worst way possible. But, I'm also not hiding anymore. This is me.
Life has a funny way of connecting all the twists and turns. My miscarriages led me to Morgan. My divorce led me to Jay. My anxiety & depression has led me to be a part of Cameron K. Gallagher Foundation. All of these twists and turns have shook me to my core, yet, the outcome has been the sweetest reward. I fully recognize that some of my deepest loves were out of the biggest heartaches. I do not take these gifts for granted.
The opportunity came for me to join the SpeakUp Shamrock team and to be honest, I sat with the decision for a month. There is still constant mental chatter if I made the "right" choice. However, if I ever needed a reason to lace up again, this would be it. I'm part of a team that encourages all to SpeakUp - to show up as you are - and to celebrate life's gifts.
I have no idea how my run will go in March. It might be a run, a walk, or a combination of the two. I might get a PR or I might be the person stopping every 2 minutes to take pictures. What I do know, is that I am showing up at the starting line...and will cross the finish line celebrating.
